Weigh(t), Wait!

I've been having some interesting personal realizations about validation. Specifically about weight, and weight loss. And some of it has been very surprising to me.

I've talked about weight loss before here. I've also talked about size acceptance, and how what I weigh has no charge on me. I'm not afraid of the word "fat" - it's factual, not judgmental. At least not in the way I use it. I'll tell anybody what I weight, because it doesn't have anything to do with my worth as a person.

So an interesting thing has been happening. My usual habit was to weigh myself on Monday mornings, just once a week. Recently I started noticing a pattern - that every time I would start to lose weight and got close to where I would have lost around 25 pounds from my top weight - that I would somehow find a way to sabotage myself and gain all or most of the weight back. Very strange development! What is it about those particular numbers that sets something off in me that I have to run away from? What did that number represent to me that caused such reversal?

When I started my new nutritional plan that I mentioned here, I realized I started losing weight. Not surprising given how drastically my diet had changed. So I decided to try an experiment: I would stay off the scale entirely. I would lose (or not lose) weight no matter whether I stepped on a scale or not. Since the numbers don't mean anything to me, what would it matter? If I didn't know, I felt I couldn't sabotage myself like I had repeatedly done in the past, right?

For maybe 3 months now I have not stepped on a scale. I have no idea of the actual number of my weight. However, I am being asked by many if I've lost weight. I'm constantly pulling my pants up because they are falling off (I'm between sizes right now). And when I look at my body in the mirror, I can definitely see that I'm losing weight. I am getting tons of positive feedback and validation that I am, in fact, losing weight.

So why is it making me insane that I am not stepping on that scale? Why have I become obsessed with knowing the exact number of how much I've lost? Does knowing the number change the outcome? Of course not. I've lost x pounds no matter what the scale tells me. But I feel like I'm going through withdrawal. The other day, I actually said out loud "it's killing me to not get on that scale." Really? Killing me? That's a really silly choice of words. :) I'm already being validated by comments and my actual, physical changes in my body and the way my clothing fits. So why do I need more validation in terms of a number on a scale?!

I'm standing my ground and choosing to not get on that scale. I will not be a slave to a number. I will continue to work towards optimal health in all aspects of my life, and as a result my body will settle on the weight it wishes to be, with or without knowing what it is.

I don't have all the answers. I don't know right now what's going on with me with the numbers - wanting to know them, vs. running away when I do. I'm sure it'll come up in a Health Kinesiology session when my body decides it's a priority to care about it. In the meantime, I'll just be open to whatever the Universe wants for me.

Comments

[Opal Oneal]

Just stay healthy as you are. All these anxieties will surely be gone once you’ve reached your goals. However, stepping on the scale can still be part of the program. Of course, it’s a good thing that you’re constantly losing weight. It’s good indicator of your improvement. Keep it up!